I’m getting a little lost. I’m so lonely and I don’t know what it is I’m looking for to satisfy myself. I’m tired a lot and I’m behind in a lot of things. I like staying up late all the time and playing video games up late and drinking lots of soda and being thin. I’m behind on bills and in debt with a lot of different things. I never used to need to buy lots of stuff to be happy, I was just fine with sitting around and relaxing with video games. Maybe now that I have to budget things that it is throwing me off? I don’t know. Really…what’s going on with me. Why am I so disatisfied and needing to buy things to feel good. I have a wonderful boyfriend/fiance and sweet animals, food in the house, stable job that could pay off all the bills pretty simply if i would just stop spending all my income. But here I am needing a place to complain in order to make my mind feel more calm. I want life as it was and my mind wont give it up no matter how hard I try. I want more and more and more to make up for what is lost. Why did everyone have to leave and everyone have to leave me behind? Why am I the one still lost and confused and tired and sick all the time? I’m so lost, so lonely, so dying for someone I used to know to come back to me without me asking and tell me everything is ok. I tried to get a second job to get back the old feelings I had, take an opportunity to make new friends, but it was horrible and the whole time I just wanted to be home with my boyfriend. I still want that now. I sit in my basement contemplating how I could do something about this room without having to go buy paint and do the work and know I cant do that. I hate the heat and my body gets sick in minutes. I go through these moments of complaining and feel terrible when I lash out on my love and don’t mean to. I want to stop myself before I say something I’ll regret. I want to make it up to him at all times. He trys so hard for me and I just ruin everything we get going with by being a cranky idiot. I know how I can make things better, but yet I’m too scared to jack myself up with caffiene in order to complete everything. I am so very impatient. And when I get behind on things I want to catch up quickly and it never seems possible to catch up quickly enough. I think if maybe i could just at least complete some of the things on my list tonight and then tomoro just go to bed early I will be doing much better… but do i want to risk the caffiene boost effects when im still slightly ill? it’s a bad idea i know. i know deep inside i should be resting next to my love right now, but i cant have him awake talking to me because he is exausted and i cant have me sleeping next to him because nothing would get completed. i know deep inside everything needs to be done by just me but a part of me is stopping me. its stopping me from doing anything and i make excuses to sit around and do what i used to do when i was rewarding myself when i had previously completed great tasks. i used to be motivated with schooling and bill paying off and making things clean and healthy but now a days i sit here complaining and bitching and itching and scratching and wishing things were different. i’m doing everything i hate to see in other people. and i dont know why. something happened in me when dad got badly sick and unemployed this year. it all broke inside me like someone had thrown an ax through my brain and stopped up my arteries to make me tired and dumb. its like i cant be positive for myself, that i need someone and something to make me positive but no one has any positiveness to give.
